Why is Everything Somehow My Fault?

When Your Child Blames You

Hello, and welcome back to Journey Beyond the Chaos.

If you're new here, I’m Sandra, and I’m really glad you’ve found your way to this space.

This podcast is for mums who love their child deeply… but who are also navigating addiction, mental health challenges, or behaviour that leaves them feeling worried, exhausted, and sometimes completely unsure how to respond anymore.

And if that’s you, you’re not alone here.

Today I want to talk about something that comes up again and again in conversations with mums.

It’s something that can sit quietly in the background of the relationship for years.

The feeling that somehow… everything has become your fault.

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When a Parenting Decision Comes Back Years Later

I remember a moment with my own son where this showed up very clearly.

When he was about thirteen he had just started high school, and he was having a really difficult time.

He came to us and said he wanted to change schools.

So we supported that.

But the school he moved to was very small… quite new… and there just weren’t many kids there.

And when there’s only a tiny group of students, if you don’t really click with anyone, it can feel pretty isolating.

After a while he said he wanted to move again.

And honestly, we could understand where he was coming from.

So we made another change.

At the time we were doing what most parents do.

We were trying to help.

Trying to respond to what our child was telling us.

Trying to make the best decision we could with the information we had at the time.

But years later… that decision sometimes comes back in a very different way.

Now it becomes part of the explanation for why things in his life haven’t worked out.

“I never had friends.”
“I didn’t make friends at school.”
“You shouldn’t have moved me.”

Or sometimes:

“Why would you listen to a thirteen-year-old?”
“You’re the one who moved me.”

And suddenly a decision that once felt like a supportive parenting choice… becomes the reason things went wrong.

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A Pattern Many Parents Recognise

And I hear versions of this story from mums all the time.

One mum is blamed because her daughter was admitted to a mental health ward.

Another mum is blamed for not protecting her child enough.

Another for protecting them too much.

Some are blamed for pushing their child too hard.

Others for not pushing them enough.

Some are blamed for making their child go to therapy.

Others are blamed for not noticing the problem sooner.

And then there’s one accusation that, for me personally, has been one of the hardest to sit with:

“You took my child away from me.”

Even though I stepped in because my grandson needed safety and stability.

Different families.

Different stories.

But the pattern is remarkably similar.

At some point… the finger turns.

And parents find themselves sitting with a really painful question:

How did I become the person responsible for everything that went wrong?

And for many mums, that question doesn’t just stay inside the relationship.

It follows them into the quiet moments.

They start replaying decisions.

Re-examining the past.

Wondering if they missed something.

Or if one decision, years ago, somehow ruined their child’s life.

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Why Blame Shows Up

If you’ve ever found yourself doing that, I want you to know something important.

This pattern is incredibly common in families navigating addiction or mental health struggles.

And there are actually some very understandable psychological reasons why it happens.

Not because you’re a bad parent.

And not necessarily because the story your child is telling is the full picture.

But because when people are hurting, the mind looks for ways to make sense of that pain.

And one of the ways it often does that… is through blame.

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The Role of Shame

One of the biggest forces underneath this is shame.

When someone is struggling with addiction, there is often a huge amount of shame sitting underneath the surface.

Shame about broken promises.

Shame about things that happened while they were using.

Shame about relationships that have been damaged.

Shame about the life they thought they might have had.

Shame about the gap between the person they hoped to be… and the person they feel they’ve become.

And shame is one of the most painful emotions a human being can experience.

So the brain often does something very protective.

Instead of holding all of that pain inside, it moves the story outward.

Instead of:

“Something is wrong with me.”

The story becomes:

“Something happened to me.”

Or:

“Someone caused this.”

Blame helps protect a person’s sense of identity.

Because if the cause is outside of them, the weight of shame becomes a little easier to carry.

And parents are often the most obvious place for that blame to land.

Not necessarily because it’s accurate.

But because it helps make the pain feel more manageable.

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The Brain Wants Simple Stories

Another thing that’s happening here is the way the human brain builds stories.

Our brains like clear explanations.

Life is complicated.

Addiction is complicated.

Mental health is complicated.

But the mind prefers simple cause-and-effect narratives.

“This happened… because of that.”

So a moment in childhood — a school change, a family separation, a difficult period growing up — can suddenly become the starting point for the whole story.

And over time that story becomes the lens through which everything else is interpreted.

Even though real life is shaped by many different influences.

Personality.
Peer groups.
Mental health.
Trauma.
Opportunity.
Choices.
Timing.
Environment.

But the brain often looks for one clear cause.

And parents are an easy place for that story to land.

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Addiction Protects Itself

There’s another layer here as well.

Addiction itself tends to protect the behaviour.

Anything that threatens the addiction — boundaries, treatment, consequences, or even concern from family — can get reframed as the problem.

So instead of the substances being the issue…

the parent becomes the issue.

Again, this is not usually a conscious strategy.

It’s a psychological and neurological way of protecting the behaviour the brain has become dependent on.

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Why Blame Sometimes Gets Worse When You Change

There’s another dynamic that many parents find surprising when they first understand it.

Blame often increases when the parent starts changing.

Not when the addiction begins.

But when the parent begins responding differently.

When addiction is present in a family, relationships often settle into a kind of pattern.

Parents might rescue.

Explain.

Fix things.

Give money.

Smooth things over.

Remove consequences.

Usually because they love their child and they’re trying to keep them safe.

Over time those responses become part of a predictable system.

The child behaves in certain ways.

The parent responds in certain ways.

And even if the pattern is painful… it becomes familiar.

But when a parent begins to change — maybe they stop rescuing, or they start setting boundaries, or they begin responding more calmly — the system becomes unstable.

The old pattern stops working the way it used to.

And when systems change, people often react.

Sometimes with anger.

Sometimes with pressure.

And very often with blame.

Because blame can be a powerful way to try to pull the system back to the way it was.

If the parent becomes the problem… the focus shifts away from the addiction.

And the old dynamic has a chance to re-establish itself.

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The Safest Person to Blame

There’s one more piece that’s important to understand.

Parents are often the safest people to blame.

Your child can yell at you.

They can accuse you.

They can say things that are incredibly painful.

Because somewhere deep down they know you’re still there.

They know the relationship is likely to survive it.

And while that doesn’t make those accusations any easier to hear… it can sometimes explain why they land where they do.

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The Weight Parents Carry

Understanding all of this can bring a surprising amount of relief to parents.

Because many mums spend years quietly replaying decisions in their minds.

Going back over conversations.

Moments.

Choices they made when their child was younger.

Wondering if they missed something.

Or if one decision somehow changed the course of their child’s life.

I hear this all the time.

“Maybe if I hadn’t moved them.”

“Maybe if I’d pushed harder.”

“Maybe if I’d protected them more.”

“Maybe if I’d noticed sooner.”

And underneath those questions is often a very heavy fear:

What if they’re right?

What if somehow I caused this?

But the truth is that human lives are never shaped by just one decision.

They’re shaped by temperament.

Friendships.

Mental health.

Life experiences.

Choices.

Opportunities.

Timing.

And many things that are completely outside a parent’s control.

So when a child builds a story that places the responsibility entirely on their parent, it may help them make sense of their pain.

But that story is rarely the full picture.

And understanding that can help parents begin to loosen the grip of the guilt they’ve been carrying.

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Standing Differently

Now this doesn’t mean dismissing your child’s experience.

Their feelings are real.

Their memories are real.

Their pain is real.

But it does mean recognising something important.

You don’t have to spend the rest of your life trying to prove your innocence.

Because that argument rarely resolves.

When blame becomes part of the relationship dynamic, it can pull parents into an exhausting pattern.

Explaining.

Defending.

Justifying.

Trying to set the record straight.

Hoping that if they say the right thing, their child will finally understand.

But very often that just keeps the cycle going.

And this is where a different kind of response becomes possible.

Instead of getting pulled into defending the past…

parents can begin to stand differently in the present.

They can acknowledge their child’s feelings without agreeing with the blame.

They can stay calm instead of reacting.

They can stop trying to rewrite the story.

And start focusing on the relationship that exists today.

Because the goal isn’t to win the argument about the past.

The goal is to protect the possibility of connection going forward.

And that’s where steadiness becomes incredibly powerful.

Not because it fixes everything.

But because it changes the emotional environment around the relationship.

When a parent stops fighting the blame…

and starts standing calmly in who they are and what they know to be true…

something important shifts.

The power struggle loses its fuel.

The conversation sometimes softens.

And the relationship has a better chance of moving forward.

Not perfectly.

But differently.

And sometimes, differently is enough to begin creating new possibilities.

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A Question to Sit With This Week

So if blame shows up in your relationship this week…

instead of defending yourself or replaying the past…

you might simply pause and notice it.

And ask yourself a quiet question:

How do I want to stand in this moment?

Because standing differently…

is often where the real change begins.