Stay connected to your child without losing yourself along the way
Beyond the Chaos is a membership for mums whose adult child is struggling with addiction. It's support that doesn't ask you to step back or wait for rock bottom, so you can stay in your child's life and still have a life of your own.
I'd like to join$67 NZD a month · cancel or pause any time
Maybe it started with money going missing, or a phone call that didn't make sense, and somewhere along the way your whole life started to organise itself around your child. You check your phone before you're properly awake, you lie awake going over what you should have said, and you've read everything and tried everything and nothing seems to change.
You've probably been told to practise tough love, to step back and let them hit rock bottom, or that helping at all is enabling. Some part of you has never been able to make that sit right, because we wouldn't do that to our kids with any other illness.
It makes sense that you're exhausted, and it makes sense that you don't know what to do anymore. Most of us have been carrying this on our own for a long time, without really telling anyone how hard it is. You don't have to keep doing it on your own, and there is another way.
A different way through this
Beyond the Chaos is built on the idea that you can stay connected to your child and still look after yourself. Your child's choices were never in your control, so the focus here is on how you stand in the relationship, one step at a time.
See
Getting out of the fog and understanding what's actually happening, including what's been happening for you. The fixer, the investigator and the rescuer are roles you've taken on out of love and fear, and they aren't who you are.
Stand
Changing how you show up. Creating a bit of space between what happens and how you respond, communicating in ways that don't set off defensiveness, and setting boundaries that protect without punishing.
Stay
Staying connected without losing yourself. You can't control their choices, and you're still not powerless within the relationship.
What the membership is
Beyond the Chaos is an online membership where you learn and practise this at your own pace. It gives you the Path, which takes you through See, Stand and Stay step by step, along with weekly coaching, a private podcast and a small community of mums who understand, so you have support for the real situations that come up in your week.
I built it because when I was in the middle of this with my son, all I could find was tough love, rock bottom and being told to detach, and none of that sat right with me. I wanted there to be somewhere a mum could stay in relationship with her child and still look after herself, and where she didn't have to work it all out alone.
What's included
A 60-minute welcome call with me
Before anything else, we sit down together one to one on Zoom so I can get to know you and understand where things are for you right now. That way you know where to start, and you don't have to work out the membership on your own.
The Path
My step-by-step course built around See, Stand and Stay. It's short lessons with reflections you can do in your own time, and it keeps growing as I add new modules. You can go at whatever pace your life allows.
Weekly group coaching and a Q&A call
We work through the real things that are happening, like the phone call you're dreading, the money request or the argument that went sideways. You can bring your own situation or just listen to others, and the Q&A call is there for the questions that come up in between.
The workshop, When You Don't Know What to Do Anymore
A good first step if you're feeling stuck right now. It helps you understand what's been keeping you stuck and how to get to a calmer decision about how you'll respond.
Living Beyond the Chaos
A private podcast just for members. It's something you can listen to on a walk or in the car when sitting down to a lesson feels like too much.
The community, and messages with me
So there's somewhere to go on a hard day, with people who won't judge you and won't tell you to just walk away.
This is for you if
- Your adult child is struggling with alcohol, drugs or other substances, and you want to stay in their life without it taking over yours
- You've tried the advice to step back, let them hit rock bottom or practise tough love, and it never sat right with you
- You're exhausted from trying to fix something you can't fix, and you'd like to know what you can actually do
- You've put your own life on hold for a long time, and you'd like some of it back
- You'd like support that doesn't ask you to talk about everything before you're ready
One mum's story
When she joined, she was reacting in the moment and paying for it afterwards. She put it this way herself: "when we are in fight or flight mode all good sense seems to go out the window." She called it "a well worn track of responding a certain way."
The change didn't come all at once. One night her son was trying to put the blame for his own mistake onto her, and he later wanted to phone her to sort it out. She wrote afterwards: "I felt panicked inside but maintained my composure and refused to accept responsibility for his mistake! ... I created a bit of space before his call and this made all the difference!" Not long after, on the way to a family birthday, she decided she wanted a happy day and chose not to react to something that would usually have set her off. "Sort of like parking it for later, enjoying what I had planned for the day, then revisiting later with more awareness and insight, rather than suppressing what had occurred."
She knows it isn't finished, and she says so: "I realise that at any time I could slip back into over reacting but I'm really pleased that at this point my trajectory seems to be in the other direction and this gives me more peace and hope for his recovery regardless of how it looks."
This story is a composite, drawn from the words of several Beyond the Chaos members and shared with their permission. Details have been changed to protect their privacy.
What members say
I have felt like I've been drowning forever. I've gone to counsellors, I've gone to psychologists. I've tried lots of avenues to try to get the support that I have needed. None of them have hit the spot like this has.
I had lost myself in all that had gone on the last few years and in the last few weeks with your lessons and reflections and meetings, I have started to find glimmers of my old self and have been learning to ground myself again.
I've learned techniques to respond to unjustified criticism - to prevent escalation rather than be pulled further in. The changes have been profound. Not dramatic. Subtle. Deeply meaningful.
This journey at times feels insurmountable - but with the support of this group, a little easier. A little less lonely.
If you're not sure yet
"I'm already overwhelmed. I don't have room for one more thing."
I know, and I'd never want this to be another thing you feel you're falling behind on. There's nothing to keep up with here and no schedule you have to follow. Some weeks you might do a lesson and come to a call, and other weeks you might only listen to a podcast episode on a walk, and both of those count. If life gets too much you can pause your membership and come back when you're ready.
"I don't want to sit on a call and have to open up in front of people."
You don't have to share anything, ever. You can come with your camera off and just listen, and that's completely fine for as long as you need. Calls aren't recorded, to protect everyone's privacy. There's a lot to be gained from hearing someone else talk through a situation that's just like yours. If there's something you'd rather talk about privately, you can message me directly instead.
"I'm not really sure what I'd actually be doing in there."
That's the reason for the welcome call. Once you join, we have an hour one to one, and I'll get to know where you are right now and help you work out where to start, whether that's the workshop, a particular part of the Path, a podcast episode or just coming along to listen to a call. You won't be left to work it out on your own.
"I've tried so many things already and nothing has changed."
That makes sense, and it's exhausting. I can't promise you that anything will change for your child, because nobody can honestly promise that. What this is about is what changes for you: how steady you feel, how you respond when things flare up and whether you have a life of your own again. From there, sometimes the relationship starts to shift as well.
About me
I'm Sandra, and I'm a mum and a grandmother here in New Zealand. My son has struggled with addiction, and I've been raising my grandson since he was 18 months old. I know what it's like to lie awake Googling at 2am, to blame yourself, and to lose track of who you are while you try to fix something you can't fix.
All the advice I could find told me to detach and wait for rock bottom, and I couldn't do that. What helped me was learning to look after myself and stay in relationship with him at the same time. I went on to train as a health and mental health coach, and I'm trained in CRAFT, Invitation to Change, Motivational Interviewing and ACT, which are approaches built on staying connected and not on tough love.
I don't have all the answers and I'm still living parts of this myself. What I can offer you is what I've learned, the tools that have helped me and the mums I work with, and somewhere to bring the hard days.
Joining
$67 NZD
a month
There's no lock-in and no contract. You can cancel any time, and if you need a break you can pause your membership and pick up again when you're ready, so there's no pressure to keep going through a month that's already too full.
What happens when you join
- You get access to everything straight away, including the workshop, the Path, the podcast, the calls and the community.
- We book your 60-minute welcome call, just you and me on Zoom, so I can get to know you and we can work out together where it makes sense for you to start.
- From there you go at your own pace, and you can come to a call, listen to an episode or message me whenever you need to.
Questions
Does my child need to be in recovery, or wanting help?
No. This is about you and how you're going, wherever your child is right now, whether that's using, in treatment, doing okay for a while or not speaking to you at all.
Is this tough love or detachment?
No. I don't believe in waiting for rock bottom or cutting our kids off. Everything here is about staying connected to your child while you look after yourself as well.
How is this different from counselling?
This is coaching and support from someone who has lived it, with practical tools you can use in real situations and other mums who understand. It isn't therapy, and it can sit alongside counselling if you already have that support.
What if I join and it isn't right for me?
You can cancel any time with no lock-in, so you're never stuck paying for something that isn't helping.
What if I can't make the calls?
Calls aren't recorded, to protect everyone's privacy, so they're something you come to when you can. On the weeks you can't, the Path, the podcast and messaging me are all there whenever suits you.
What if I fall behind?
There's nothing to fall behind on. You can dip in when you have the capacity and pause when you don't.
You don't have to have it all worked out before you join, and you don't have to be ready to talk. You just need to want a bit more support than you have right now, and somewhere to start.
Sandra x
