When You Don't Know What To Do Anymore
A 27-minute video workshop that gives you a way to get yourself to a decision you can actually stand behind, so you can start trusting yourself again, without tough love, detaching or waiting for rock bottom.
If you're a mum whose child is struggling with addiction or mental health, and you find yourself saying "I don't know what to do anymore", this is for you.
GET INSTANT ACCESS TO THE WORKSHOP - $47Let's be honest: when your child is struggling with addiction, the decisions that wear you down most are often the small ones, the ones that turn up at 11pm or in a two-line text message and want an answer right now.
Nothing is wrong with your judgement. There often isn't a clear right answer to the questions you're being asked, which is why having a way to get yourself to a decision matters more than finding the "right" one.
What makes it so hard is something I call the second layer. The first layer is what's actually happening: the text, the request, the phone call. The second layer is everything your mind adds on top of it, the what-ifs, the self-blame, the self-doubt and the voice telling you what this says about you as a mum. And most of the advice mums are handed, tough love, let them hit rock bottom, being told that helping at all is enabling, doesn't quiet that voice. It gives it more to say.
And if that wasn't reason enough to pay attention:
- When you can get from "I don't know what to do" to "here's what I'm choosing", the decision becomes something you chose instead of something that happened to you.
- Even if you land on the same decision fear would have made for you, choosing it on purpose is what starts to take the self-doubt and the self-blame out of it.
- You don't need to know your boundaries or have it all worked out first, because this starts from exactly where you are today.
- And all in all, you have somewhere to stand instead of starting from panic every time, plus a way to hold your decision afterwards without turning how it turns out into proof that you got it wrong.
But when every choice you make gets read back to you as proof of what kind of mum you are, it becomes very hard to trust yourself to make the next decision...
Right now you might be standing in the kitchen with your phone in your hand because a message has just come through, "Mum, can you send me $20 for petrol? I'll pay you back Friday," and before you've even had time to think, your chest is tight, your stomach has dropped and you're already going over what happened last time.
And on top of that:
- You might be lying awake waiting for the phone to ring, going back over the last conversation and wondering whether something you said made it worse.
- You might find yourself sending the money, or asking more questions than you need to, just so you don't have to sit with not knowing, and then telling yourself afterwards that you know better than this.
- And really wanting to make one decision without second-guessing it, but being unable to, because whichever way you go there's a voice already lined up to tell you it was the wrong one.
- And really wanting to answer from a steadier place, but being unable to, because one person tells you to help, someone else tells you you're enabling, and somewhere in the middle of all that advice is you.
And all this?
Has probably got you feeling like you're getting it wrong no matter what you do.
And no closer to knowing what to do the next time the phone goes.
Or even worse? Another year of making every decision out of fear, and then carrying how it turns out as proof that it was all your fault.
But as someone who has been exactly where you are, I can tell you there is another way.
What if you could get yourself to a decision you can stand behind, even when you have no idea what the right answer is?
Plus a way to hold that decision afterwards without beating yourself up over how it turns out.
That voice telling you you've got it wrong whichever way you go? I know that voice because it was mine. When things first changed with my son, I lived on high alert, Googling and researching and lying awake at night trying to find the answer, and the only advice I could find was tough love, rock bottom and detach. I tried standing my ground with my son and it didn't help either of us. It actually made things worse. None of it sat right with me, because that's not what mums do, and none of it gave me anything to actually do in the moment something was happening.
What changed things for me was going and doing the training myself. I'm a certified mental health coach, a Certified Invitation to Change Practitioner, CRAFT informed and trained in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and I used all of it to build what I wish someone had handed me back then.
I know you want to stop starting from panic every time the phone goes, and I believe you deserve a way to get there that doesn't ask you to stop being your child's mum.
That's why I took what I've lived and what I've trained in and built Stop / See / Stand / Stay. It's four small steps that give you a little space before you act, something solid to stand on, and a way to choose on purpose instead of letting fear choose for you.
And it's the key to trusting yourself again, one decision at a time.
P.S. If you watch it and it isn't useful to you, email me within 14 days and I'll refund you in full, no questions asked.
Here are the four steps that make this something you can actually reach for in the moment
Stop
A little space before you act, so you're not deciding from the first wave of fear. One breath, in for four and out for eight, is enough to bring your body down a notch, and you'll practise it with me so it already feels familiar before you need it.
See
What you actually know, separated from the what-ifs your mind adds on top. It won't give you certainty, but it gives you something solid to stand on.
Stand
Three small questions that move you from yes-or-no to the option that fits what matters to you today. You test one option at a time, and if the answer is no, that isn't a failure, it's told you something.
Stay
A way to hold the decision once you've made it, without needing the outcome to prove you right. When the urge to second-guess it shows up again, you'll know it's just the urge, and if Friday doesn't go the way you hoped, you'll have a way back to what you actually know instead of straight into blaming yourself.
And I've built this workshop from what I've lived through and what I've trained in, so you can get from "I don't know what to do" to "here's what I'm choosing", all without anyone telling you what you should do.
Imagine how it will feel...
If that sounds like where you want to be, then…
When You Don't Know What To Do Anymore
Say goodbye to starting from panic every time your phone goes and hello to decisions you've chosen on purpose. It's a 27-minute video workshop you can watch whenever you need it, with a printable workbook for working through a moment from your own life and a card to keep by the kettle, so the four steps are there the next time your first thought is "what do I do?"
GET INSTANT ACCESS TO THE WORKSHOP - $47Here's what's inside...
The full workshop: Stop / See / Stand / Stay
Say goodbye to working out what to do from scratch every time something happens.
The workshop is here to support you with 27 minutes of me walking you through all four steps on a real, ordinary moment, a text asking for $20, plus a bigger one that keeps a lot of mums awake at night, so you know how it feels before you ever need it in the moment.
Inside you're getting:
- All four steps on the $20 message, so you can see exactly how each one works on something real and not just in theory.
- A guided breathing practice we do together, so your body already knows it before the moment you need it.
- The same steps applied to "can I come and stay for a bit?", so you leave with more than one scenario to map your own life onto.
- A "try it now" section where you run the steps on something from your own life, so you finish having done it once, not just watched it.
- Watch it anytime, as many times as you like, so it's there on a quiet afternoon or at 11pm when your phone goes.
Your companion workbook
Say goodbye to the steps slipping away the minute the video ends.
The workbook is here to support you with space to work through each step with your own moment (plus a page on why your mind and body react the way they do, and the second layer), so you can see what's happening for you while you use it.
Inside you're getting:
- A fillable version for your computer and one for your phone, so you can type straight into it or print it, whichever suits you.
- Pages that follow the workshop step by step, so you can pause the video and write as you go.
- A "come back to this any time after" section for when it doesn't go the way you hoped, so how it turned out doesn't become one more thing you blame yourself for.
- Pages you can use again and again, because a different moment will always call for a different page.
Your take-home card
Say goodbye to the moment your mind goes blank.
The card is here to support you with all four steps and the questions to ask yourself before you decide, plus the one to ask afterwards when the story starts up again, so you have something to reach for when your first thought is "what do I do?"
- One page to keep by your phone, in your bag or beside the kettle, so the steps are there when you need them.
One-time payment
GET INSTANT ACCESS TO THE WORKSHOP - $47Instant access | Watch anytime | 14-day refund, no questions asked
What mums are saying
Here's what the first mums to watch it have to say:
"Using the workbook with the video made it even more clear"
"So helpful, and using the workbook with the video made it even more clear. And the $20 is a perfect example."Beyond the Chaos member
"Not too fast, with pauses to give yourself time to catch up"
"It's a great lesson. The pacing is great, not too fast, with pauses to give yourself time to catch up. The message is good."Beyond the Chaos member
Why am I the one to support you?
Hello there, I'm Sandra.
Around 2015, not long after my grandson was born, I started to notice things had changed with my son, and eventually I found out drugs were involved. By 2017 I'd stopped doing anything for myself. I'd isolated myself, I was blaming myself, and I didn't recognise who I'd become. I'm a mum and a nana, I live in New Zealand, and I'm the founder of Beyond the Chaos, where I help mums whose child is struggling with addiction stay connected to their child without losing themselves in the process.
Seeing how much shame and guilt there is in this, and how alone so many mums feel in it, I knew something needed to change. That's why I created When You Don't Know What To Do Anymore, a way through the moment something happens, built from what I've lived and what I've trained in.
I truly believe the mums I work with are not powerless. I refuse to build hope on the expectation of more suffering, and I don't believe you have to wait for rock bottom, or lose yourself, to stay connected to your child.
I'd be honoured to support you, and I can't wait for you to feel what it's like to make a decision that's yours.
In case you're worried, buying this is risk-free
You're covered by a 14-day refund, no questions asked.
If you've spent money before on books, programmes or advice that didn't hold, I want you to be able to try this without that worry.
Why?
Because I'm confident in what's inside it. You have 14 days to watch the workshop and use the workbook on something real, and if it isn't for you for any reason, just reply to your welcome email and I'll refund you in full.
There's nothing to lose, and you stand to gain a way of deciding that's yours.
GET INSTANT ACCESS TO THE WORKSHOP - $47Is this for you? It was made for you if any of these sound familiar:
- A message or phone call from your child sends your whole body into reaction before you've had a chance to think.
- You know the way you respond in those moments matters, for your child and for you.
- Whichever way you decide, there's a voice ready afterwards to tell you it was the wrong one.
- You've been given advice like tough love, rock bottom or "you're too involved", and none of it ever sat right with you.
- You want a way to decide that's actually yours, not someone else's formula for what you "should" do.
If you've just ticked many or all of these, this workshop was made for you.
Questions you might have
What if things feel urgent or unsafe right now?
Then this isn't the right tool for this moment. If someone is in immediate danger, call emergency services first (111 in New Zealand, 000 in Australia), and everything else can come after. Support numbers for New Zealand and Australia are also listed under the workshop video, and the workshop will still be here once things are steadier.
Will this tell me what to do about my situation?
No, and that's on purpose. I can't know your child, your history, your values or what you can live with, so I'm not going to hand you a script. What I can give you is a way to get yourself to a decision, one you've chosen on purpose and can stand behind.
What if it's my daughter, or it's more mental health than addiction?
In the workshop I talk about a son, but it could just as easily be your daughter, and the workbook is written so you can swap in whatever fits your child. Addiction and mental health often go hand in hand, and the steps are the same for any moment where you don't know what to do.
I'm in Australia. Is the price in NZ dollars?
Yes, it's $47 in New Zealand dollars, and your bank converts it when you pay, so it usually works out a little less in Australian dollars. Plenty of the mums I work with are in Australia.
What happens after I pay?
You get instant access, and the workshop is waiting in your library. You'll get an email with your login link. Use the email you signed up with and the password you created. The workbook and card are linked right under the video, and if anything doesn't work, just hit reply and it comes straight to me.
How long do I have access?
It's yours to come back to whenever you need it, on a quiet afternoon to get ready or at 11pm when your phone goes.
You've reached the end, and since you're still here deciding if this is for you, there's one last thing I want to say.
Whether you choose this workshop or not, please don't wait until the next 11pm phone call to find a way through moments like this. That message is going to come either way, and I'd love you to have somewhere to stand when it does.
That's because this workshop gives you one breath before anything else, something solid to stand on, and a decision you've chosen on purpose and can carry without it becoming one more thing you blame yourself for.
And your part is just to press play, on a quiet afternoon or the moment you need it.
It's why I made it, so you can start trusting yourself again, one decision at a time, as the mum you want to be.
If you decide to join me, I can't wait for you to feel what it's like when the next message lands and you know where to start.
Sandra x
You get all this instantly
- The full Stop / See / Stand / Stay workshop (27 minutes, watch anytime)
- A guided breathing practice we do together
- Your companion workbook, computer and phone versions
- Your take-home card
All of this for only
Instant access | Watch anytime | 14-day refund, no questions asked
